Reflections on Sisterhood and Spaciousness

Spacing out with my sisters!

I’ve had the wonderful privilege this summer to spend time, and space, with sisters. Yes, the familial kind. Also the religious, habit-wearing kind. My nervous system hasn’t felt so at peace for I don’t know how long. I think that is no coincidence. Dwelling amongst sisters – whether of the common genes kind, the common faith kind, or any other common bond kind – can bring a sense of spaciousness that is hard to come by in other realms.

I’m blessed to be one of four sisters. Looking at us, you’ll see shared DNA: our mother’s generous forehead, our father’s sideways glance, a certain lanky McNamer-ish-ness. Talking to us, you’ll hear some similar cadence, perhaps some common stories, and – early in the conversation – you’ll probably be prompted to talk about yourself (we McNamers are fascinated by others; we’re question askers!). And yet ... stick around longer and you’ll find we’re very different, in the career paths we’ve chosen, the way we live our lives, and our approach to exercise (hint: I am not the half-marathoner in the group). All of this means getting together with one another is both a welcome respite (we get each other) and an invigorating experience (we challenge each other).

We get together once a year for a sisters’ gathering. We choose a location where we can each have our own room while having ample common space for organic or planned interaction. We dine together (Lucky me! My sisters are great cooks!) and enjoy group outings and activities while also allowing plenty of time to be in our own spaces. Nature is a welcome guest; we enjoy her company immensely.

What I’ve come to truly appreciate about these annual sister convenings is the spaciousness they provide me to a) be my truest self (after all, they’re my sisters, they know all my warts and foibles already, and they can’t get rid of me!) and b) gain new perspectives on them, on me, and on broader topics. We don’t always see eye to eye or agree with each others’ choices. And we definitely have dirt on one another from our younger days. Still, there’s a deep well of respect for and appreciation of one another, and not just because we share genes (and sometimes jeans).

Growing up together meant we inhabited the same spaces and therefore have a keen appreciation for common elements that have helped shape us, even as we’ve spent most of our adult lives sharing space only sporadically. And when we do convene these days, our shared childhood bond provides the safe container that allows space for our adult selves to show up courageously. We console one another over the losses and heartbreaks and insecurities that are part and parcel of life; we revel in the wins and joys and heart-softeners that accompany this many decades on the planet; we debate with one another over issues silly and serious. Somehow we manage to keep sibling rivalry at bay; not because envy is absent (do you know my sisters?? IYKYK!) but because it’s overshadowed by a sense that we’re better off acknowledging and valuing each other’s gifts and accomplishments and allowing them to shine. Because that creates spaciousness, where more growth and goodness can happen. Envy simply contracts.

Our conversations generally happen organically. This time we brought along conversation starters, which we brought out on Day 3, when we were in full spacious mode, and which allowed us to go deeper and become more vulnerable. I learned new things about each of my sisters that allowed me to see them in a new light. It was beautiful to be reminded that you only know someone to the extent that they allow you to know them, and the extent you lend your attention. Space matters. Physical space creates the context, time spaciousness provides the opportunity, and heart spaciousness allows the attitude for revelation to occur.

I now find myself in a different sisterly context: in a nunnery in Belgium. No, I am not a novice-in-training. After many weeks adventuring in my sidecar I was seeking a place to park, rest, reflect and write. I mused to myself: “A monastery would be perfect!” So I googled. Did you know that monastery stays are a thing? Check it out: monasteries.com Only one place had space for me on the dates I was seeking. It’s an abbey in Belgium. Four sisters (of the religious kind) still run this place (down from many more over the centuries). It has room for around 12 guests or so at any given time. The accommodations are spare yet adequate. The meals are what you might expect from a nunnery in Belgium. I’m getting fed! I’m not complaining! (And yes, it includes Belgian beer.)

These sisters are amazing. They wake at dawn, pray, prepare breakfast, pray again, welcome visitors, pray again, cook and serve a hearty mid-day meal, work in their small shop, bake bread and biscuits, pray several times, serve supper, and pray once more for good measure before getting their well-earned rest. (Their schedule sounds like that of many of the leaders I coach!). Guests are expected to help set the table and wash the dishes. Otherwise, our contributions are minimal.

Here’s my take on sisterhood and spaciousness here:

The sisters have created a safe and nurturing container at this abbey. I feel secure, well-fed and rested. With basic needs taken care of, I can wander outside in the ample green space around the abbey to get inspiration, commune with the cows and breathe in fresh air.  Feeling thus spacious, I have the energy and focus to write. Meals offer space to enjoy conversations with fellow guests, who range from single-nighters to longer-stayers. My fellow longer-stayers are a fascinating crew: two brilliant Belgian sisters (of the familial sort) who are studying for exams (law; bioengineering); a talented artist from Macao who, like me, is seeking her next nest; an engaging and thoughtful Belgian software architect preparing for certification exams – the sole male in our little group, though by his comfort among women I’m guessing he has sisters. They are all multilingual. They indulge me by speaking English. We are all very different. We find commonalities. We laugh. We’re sharing a short-term sisterhood as we bond in a shared experience. This space, created by the sisters, allows for that.

So much to appreciate about how space allows sisterhood to flourish, and how sisterhood provides space for thriving.

Guess what? That’s what Sidecar Counsel is all about! IYKYK. So join a Sidecar adventure – classics like a Summit, a Rally group, one-on-one sidecar meetups with me, or new opportunities (Sidecar Explore; Leading Belonging From Within) for sharing space with ‘sisters.’ Let’s see what that spaciousness can create!

Yours in spacing out with sisters,

Bridget